For the past month I have been M.I.A., from what you can read by the title, to grieve. Instead of sharing my story in detail I wanted to share what art mediums have helped me throughout this process. I wanted to focus on this specifically because these activities improve mental and physical health as time goes on after any traumatic life experience; not just while grieving. As much as I have wanted to sit in my feelings starting these activities was not a first thought. Processing these emotions through words, painting physically and digitally then maintaining these activities has been an amazing way to process what happened while learning to continue living life as it is intended.
***
Two days after my grandma’s passing. . . my birthday, the realization set in. I got home after doing everything she WOULD NOT have wanted me to do. No cake, ice cream, or birthday song but it felt right. What felt wrong was wanting to open my notes app to express myself. Putting how I was feeling into words when I was not even fully aware of them, but I did it. Even though, it does not embody the shock I felt during that morning phone call or the hurt I feel daily, it does embody how my everyday has changed. How I look at my day and everything surrounding me. Just that little bit helps. . . Knowing I expressed myself, rephrasing a tragic experience, using words instead of paint. Going about my days remembering a line or going back to reread it because I need a reminder has helped my process immensely.
A week later was the viewing/burial and by Thursday there was no denying that this was not a dream and in fact was real life. I had not painted since the day before saying goodbye to my grandma and the taunting doubt from depression and anxiety was becoming too strong. I was encouraged by my greatest supporter, my wife, to take the time to focus and paint; be it on a commission or stress-free piece. Although I initially resisted, within the next hour I gave in and chose to begin a commission piece requested earlier in the week. When this request came up, I imagined producing an original artwork on canvas and so I began. After spending more than an hour on the background itself, the imposter syndrome was setting in. Breaks were taken as much as needed; to breathe, feel, and reflect then this happened . . .
I never learn my lesson when it comes to my animals and painting around them.
Four coats of paint and two hours later I was starting to feel more confident and was beginning to like what I saw.
Unfortunately, that feeling did not last long and I ended up not only ruining what I first loved but overworking the piece.
I sat in defeat until I realized there was not any rush when it came to this commission. Not just because I was starting the grieving process but because art itself takes time. After much thought, I ended up acknowledging that I made progress through painting and releasing those tense, sad, angry, and unlabeled emotions. Reflecting on my day and rephrasing my earlier actions improved my mood and motivation towards the commission. Another long break to breathe ended up with me opening Procreate to create with no thoughts or expectations.
Ensuing many frustrating and relieving feelings, this digital creation spoke to me in a way I feared creating would never make me feel again. Since, it has been easier to tackle commission work and other outstanding projects. Continuing to create through various art mediums, this blog included, has supported the management and improvement of my mental and physical health after such a detrimental loss for me to stay on track and motivated with my life’s passion.
Mourning while adjusting to create in such a headspace then being inconsistent on social media the past month or so, I feel that the longer I wait the harder it will be to do. My goal is to be as active as I was a few months ago or more so by the end of the year. It is my intention that posting this blog serves as a starting and turning point for my creative journey on social media.
I am undoubtedly blessed for the love and support shown by my grandma for as long as she was here. I am grateful for those who attended her events and while there took their time to acknowledge my achievements as an artist. Much thanks to those who went the extra mile to inquire about a website and commission. Thank you in all to my wife, K- my dearest friend, and every mutual and follower of my social media accounts who kept them afloat while I was away.
Please feel free to comment on the pieces above and ask questions.
*
Azul